So… I ate my words this week. Or rather, drank my words. As many of my friends moved back to the States over the past several months, they looked forward to one thing above all else: Starbucks. Oh, they were obsessed! They talked about the pumpkin chai latte all fall (I totally didn’t miss fall because we don’t get it in Arizona anyway). They talked about pepperminty drinks all winter (another thing we don’t get). They talked about iced coffee all summer. A couple of them went to St. Barth’s for the purpose of Starbucks, because they had heard there was one there (there isn’t). Oh, and when it was time for them to move home, they talked about Starbucks all the time, posted Instagram photos, and drank it every day!

I rolled my eyes.

I don’t really like coffee, and I’ve probably had about five coffees in my entire life. So I didn’t really get the whole thing.

So, then I moved back to the States. Guess what was the first thing I bought on U.S. soil? Yup, Starbucks. Hypocrite that I am. And it was GOOD. But I did some pretty stupid things in the process, which I am blaming on the ridiculously long trip we were in the middle of. It addled my brain, guys.

The only reason I even went to Starbucks was for this sweet thing: the UNICORN FRAPPE.

This is a photo of my friend Jordon’s Unicorn. (Hey Jordon.) I am posting this because I did not get my Unicorn, friends. So I have to use someone else’s photo.  I am also posting it because, apparently, Jordon’s alter-ego is Lord Voldemort. But back to the Unicorn.

I’ve been in the Caribbean for a long time, so going up to Starbucks in the Miami airport was pretty exciting, not going to lie. Equally wonderful was the smile and greeting that I got from the barista, because I have gotten used to the customer service culture on Saint Martin. That’s a nice way of saying that there is an island-wide epidemic of poor customer service in Saint Martin. However, on Saint Martin, you don’t usually pay a whopping six bucks for, like, two ounces of coffee. The Unicorn Frappuccino was $6.50 for a tall (by the way, non-U.S. friends, a “tall” is the smallest microscopic cup of coffee you’ve ever seen). Six dollars and fifty cents! No way.

In Saint Martin, there are usually two columns for prices at restaurants and store. The left column is the price in guilders, which is roughly twice as much as dollars, and the right column is the price in U.S. dollars. At Starbucks, there are also two columns. The left column has the price, while the right column has the calories.

I looked at the menu to find something cheaper than the are-you-freaking-kidding-me-six-and-a-half-dollars cup of pink unicorn magic, and I decided on the caramel frappe. Why? because while the left column said “5.00,” the right column said “300.” Oh, $3.00 in U.S. money, right? I ordered it.

I was a little surprised when my total was $5.50-ish. I paid it, while trying to figure out the math. Oh tax. That’s right. We don’t have sales tax in St. Marten. Still, that seemed a little expensive. Who raised those sales taxes while I was gone? Politics really have gone down the toilet in this country. It wasn’t until I walked away– sleep-deprived, dragging a hyper dog, and probably looking like a crazy person– that I remembered that there’s only one currency in the United States, and that Starbucks is just really expensive. I was ordering something worth 300 calories, not $3.00. Oops.

I have another funny Starbucks moment (I actually went twice in the first week I came back– sorry to everyone I judged, either mentally or verbally, for doing this very thing). I’ll make you wait for that one, though, because my Sint Maarten friends need to know about a wonderful thing called Dutch Bros. Guys, you’re Dutch, and you have no idea what Dutch Bros is! I know, because I asked some of you. Well, as you can see, the cups have windmills and tulips on it, which, according to Stuff Dutch People Like, totally makes it Dutch. It’s also home to the one and only coffee I will ever drink, the Carmelizer. So get some Dutch Bros, Dutch people! You need this in your country.

Back to the Starbucks. I actually went back to a Starbucks in order to get that Unicorn Frappe. And much to my sadness, the barista told me that they are literally sold out all over the Valley! I somewhat suspect they’re actually just sick of making them, based on this video, but either way, I had to settle for a cotton candy frappe. Which, by the way, is really good. It isn’t as colorful as the Unicorn Frappe, though, so it didn’t look as good as my Instagram Feed. Here is a shameless plug: follow me on Instagram!

While the color didn’t make it Insta-worthy, the name on it did. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even get a clear photo.

This is just about as good as my friend Lord Voldemort’s cup, and it wasn’t even intentional. I’ve had all sorts of interesting spellings of “Breana” on my Starbucks cups, but this is a first.

That’s all for today, guys. I have to go work work work work work now. Let me know your funniest Starbucks moment in the comments!